Excited

I have an unfortunate tendency to tell the truth when asked a direct question. That doesn't mean I lack social tact or anything; it's just that I have trained myself to be as honest as possible. This makes me valuable in the workplace since I can be trusted, but it tends to create socially awkward situations for me. The most recent example I can give you is when people who know about our baby ask me, "So, are you excited?" I have different responses depending on how well I know the person asking the question, but I have never said, "Yes."

From time to time I have found it necessary to qualify my response, particularly to my mother-in-law, who didn't really know what to say when I told her, "No, not at the moment." I went on to explain that while I was not unhappy about the situation, there were too many things for me to take care of between now and September to be excited. I have said Abigail is excited enough for the both of us (anyone who reads her blog can tell).

So today, I found myself with an unusual amount of free time at work, and I had only gotten about 4-5 hours of sleep last night (which, incidentally, is the amount I have gotten every night for about a week). I was somewhat out of it today, and was fortunate that it was a slow day. As the afternoon wore on and most of my work was finished, I found myself lost in thought.

At some point I started thinking about my daughter, and what she will look like. I wondered what it will be like to teach her things, and if I will ever take her to work with me. I imagined conversations with her. I have the feeling  that she will be really smart; she has good genes. I thought about taking her to her grandparents' houses, and maybe even on a long trip up to Colorado. She has a lot of family there.

Something unusual happened. I stopped being able to concentrate on the work I was doing altogether, and was seized with an urgent desire to get up from my desk, go home, and get to work early on the baby's room (that we're painting tomorrow). I stayed for two more hours (and did get more work done), but the peculiar feeling remained. For just a few moments, I managed to think of my daughter as someone who will be part of my life, and forgot about all of the things we will have to do in the next few months (and for the rest of our lives). I can honestly tell you that yes, now I'm excited. I'm still probably not quite on the level Abigail is, but I'm not sure that's possible.

In a few months, I'm going to be a dad. For a long time, my dad was really the only man I associated with the word. Now I have another one (or Abigail does, anyway, and so he's stuck with me). My brother Phil and my godfather Tim are dads (which is still very strange to me), and now my friends Josh and Travis are having kids too (June and September, respectively). Whenever I have a problem, or whenever I'm excited about something, I always want to tell my dad about it. Someday there's going to be someone who needs me in the same way. Maybe I should learn more about cars, sports, or something dad-like so I'm up to the task.

Random Jottings

I've found that I'm pretty good at starting projects. If I opened up my hard drive for you to look at, you would find quite a few poems, several short stories (unfinished), two novels (unfinished), a weight loss tracking chart (I think that lasted a few months and even made it to the blog), and a couple of animation clips from the expensive graphic arts software I bought and have used maybe four times. I also have a book of quotes that I'm very fond of (the title is "Random Jottings"), and I have occasionally kept up with it throught the years. When I think about the number of good quotes I have missed, it makes me sad. This blog is another of those neglected projects. I have great initial bursts of creativity, and then I remember how cool the X Box (actually now it's the PS3) is. I actually tried giving up video games for Lent this year. I made it about 28 days out of 40.

I'm going to be a father this year, and the third biggest fear I have (next to the fear of being into the room while my wife's in labor and most of all my fear of dropping the child) is how long my interest will last in this new project. Am I ready to commit to something full-time for once, or will my daughter have to hear "not right now" for most of her life? We haven't decided on a name for the little one yet, but the thought of being actually responsible for her scares me. I sincerely hope that I treat her with more attention than my pets; if my cats didn't jump in my lap I'd probably forget all about them, and my dog still lives with my parents (I think he's happier there, though).

Growing up sucks. Please don't get the wrong impression; I really am completely happy with the choices I have made, and I look forward to my (our) little Monkey's arrival in September. My problem is more of a lack of direction. Supposedly I'm should be in control of some aspects of my life by now, but to be honest I'm lucky to remember what day of the week it is on a given day.

I know I want the best for my family, and I suppose most parents/spouses do. I had everything figured out before I graduated high school, and literally nothing has gone the way I expected since then, and suddenly almost six years have elapsed. It's kind of like a line in the Ben Folds Five song "Jackson Cannery": "Seconds pass slowly, and years keep flyin' by." I suppose it would be better to enjoy each moment as it comes, but that is much easier said than done right now. Every time Abigail says she wants it to be September, I tell her we'll get there, but to be honest it's hard to follow my own advice. I wish it were Christmas, myself, and maybe by then I'll have everything figured out. Were I a betting man, though, I would put money on "probably not."

In all fairness, maybe most of this is the past few hours listening to jazz and blues talking. Tomorrow is a new day, and maybe everything will make sense then. I'm going to put some nature sounds on and get some much needed sleep now. Take care, people!

For your amusement

This is the lipographic poem I mentioned in an earlier post. I make no claims as to its quality, but it has amused me and now so I will put it up here for my wide viewing audience of 4 (ish) readers.

Little Miss Muffett Lipogram (minus I and U)

Wee Dame Maryanne sat on her low seat

Chewing on oats so gray.

Along came a mean gnat,

Who sat down in the flat,

And scared Dame Maryanne far away.

 
As I said, there were no claims to its quality. I had to get a grade, and in the process managed to amuse myself, so where's the harm in that? I certainly didn't pull that off in any of my math classes. I bid you adieu.

Your brain makes time go faster, and experience might make it slow down

Yesterday I heard a segment on NPR (National Public Radio) that piqued my interest, and so I have posted a link to it. You can read a text article (the Homer Simpson "Every Day" video is amusing), or listen to what went out on the radio here:
Why Does Time Fly By As You Get Older?-NPR

What they discuss is why it seems like time passes more quickly as one ages, and it seems like time moved so much more slowly when we were children. The person being interviewed explains that there is a neurological reason for this. They have a more detailed explanation in the article, but the analogy they use is that we "write things down" in more detail in our brains when we experience them for the first time, and so our perception is more vividly remembered. 

If we therefore write things down in great detail on first experience, but less so upon further experience, one might compare Dickens' writing (long, winding paragraphs, since he got paid by the word) with Hemingway's (he was taught to be short and to the point, and it showed in his writing). When you ask a child about their first day of school, they will tell you about everything from the appearance of the school, to all the kids they met, to the teacher, and everything they did (Dickensian). If you ask a teenager about their first day of school, you will most likely get something to the effect of, "School was okay," (Hemingway). It is effectively the same answer; the brain has simply learned to write for the Readers' Digest.

My thoughts on this are as follows: time goes by far too fast as it is, it's true, and on this planet one thing we have in common is that we are all still limited to the same 24 hour day. However, if our brain can "slow down time" when it is processing new information, then why not keep providing it with more? One could try to learn a new language, right now, or start attending classes at your local community college. Go to a new country; there's plenty of them out there, and as a bonus you can volunteer or do missions work (I understand the Haititians could use some help right now).

If renewed perception is indeed the key to slowing down time, maybe people are spending too much time doing the same thing. I have said at least this much in an earlier post: embrace the random in your daily life. Take an alternate route sometimes, go to different grocery stores, maybe actually read a book instead of watching TV, or chuck them both and go to the park. Play hooky from your job, It's okay, really, as long as you have a vacation/sick day to take. I think it would be fun to invent a holiday that only you and a select few know about; and you have to be really "in the know" to know about it. "Talk Like A Pirate Day" probably started like that.

I guess that's pretty much all I have to say on this topic. I still tend to get excited about psychological/neurological issues, but who knows where I'll come from next? My buddy writes a political/baseball blog, my wife writes a baby/nurse blog, and I write an exciting celebration of randomness. That's how I roll.

Reset Button

The reset button is a great invention in gaming. It's the last-ditch, "oh holy crap something bad is happening" moment that saves you from total humiliation at the hands of an overwhelmingly powerful foe...and for most it is likely the 357th time this has happened. If you're cool and remember the NES, it's also one of many ways you try to get your game to work. You pushed the reset button about 30 times in a row (extremely quickly when your mom wasn't in the room to say "When you break that, you're not getting another one!"), and blew on the cartridge, and hoped to play Contra yet again.

Life has no reset buttons in theory, and if they did, you would hope that there was a password system or something to start you about where you wanted. I would rather deal with things now then have to start from birth all over again, even if I had all the knowledge I have now. However, once in a while I believe God gives us the break we're looking for. It could be an "extra life" when you know you shouldn't have survived a car accident or illness, or a "warp pipe" that takes you to a promotion or state in life quickly and unexpectly. It might just be a "shield boost" that gives you extra toughness and courage to get through a rough patch in your life, or perhaps the strength to help someone else with theirs (if you're the person getting help, then it would be an "assist" power up). 

In my case, it seems like after just over six years of waiting, God has given me a reset button. I will explain (briefly) what I mean. I had a grand mal seizure in December 2003, just after school let out for the semester. My entire brain was affected, but in different ways. In the short term I had some memory loss and disorientation that was normal, and I wasn't allowed to drive for 3 months (which was interesting, since that's when I started my relationship with Abigail). 

The real problem has been the effects on my cognitive skills. People that knew me well before the seizure will understand this (I hope) better, and unfortunately that doesn't include my wife. I have never at any time since then really felt like myself. That doesn't mean I have been unhappy, but because my intelligence and creativity are such defining characteristics of my sense of self, I knew I would not be happy until I was able to be at my full potential.

I am on a new medication now (Keppra) that works in a different part of my brain; the part that has sustained some long-term damage. I was sick for the first couple of weeks, and Matt's wife Angela who works with me has been (to risk a great understatement) a godsend in carpooling with me and even taking me to the doctor as needed. In the past few days, I have really started to feel less sick, and on the heels of that, I have started to notice a change in my thought patterns. It is hard to describe, save to say it's like sitting in the driver's seat of your car, and realizing that someone snuck into your garage and tuned it up overnight. Nothing was upgraded per se, but everything just...feels better.   

In anticipation that this might happen, and in part to help, I started a creative writing class this semester. I am now finished with the second week and it is going very well so far. I wrote a lipographic poem in which I rewrote "Little Miss Muffet" but removed "I" and "U." The satisfaction I felt in that silly little poem might sound strange to you so I won't go too much into it, but there was something so tremendously satisfying in finally writing something after all these years.

My apologies for the length of this post. It is my hope, though, that these will be a more regular thing and thus not necessarily as long each time. Hope you like the new layout!

Did you think I was lost?

Greetings, blog people!

I'm not even sure when the last time I wrote was. I'm sure I could minimize this and check, but where's the fun in that? The important thing to all of you, my loyal readers, is that once again you get to partake in another installment of my blog. So get comfy, put your feet up (or not, it doesn't really matter on this end), and enjoy.

I literally just took my final for math, which means it is all over for this semester. YAY!!! I passed the class too, so that means that I am all done with math for my degree (BA in Psychology). Math has always been my weak area simply because I never really had the patience for it. I once got tested for cognitive awareness/ability as a "Balanced with right brain tendency" type of person. The right brain-among other things-is the creative side of your brain, so basically that test said I don't lean heavily toward cognitive or creative dominance, but may find that certain things come more naturally in the latter area than others. My preference for writing and music (for example) as opposed to math would be a great example of this.

So now I get to register (like I should have already) for classes next semester that will in theory be much more pleasant for me to take. The downside is that I can't take any more at MCC, so I have to actually take the remaining classes I have at ASU, where they are much more expensive. Hurrah. If anyone is heading up a foundation or has an eccentric uncle with thousands of dollars they want to put to good use, please feel free to send some goodwill my way.

Let's see, in other news...it's really been a while so let's sum up. Holidays: Halloween- missed it b/c I was doing math, Thanksgiving- awesome; we had our family (Abigail's and mine) over here and good times were had by all, Hanukah- not Jewish. So that's all the holidays I can think of up to this point.

Holidays to come will be action-packed. I'm solo Christmas Eve since the wife's working, so I'm likely going to church somewhere and then who knows? I may paint the town red and green, drink a little egg nog...actually I'm probably going to my parents house and reading for a while. But I'll stay up til midnight!

New Years we'll continue our tradition (I think this will be year 3) of going to our friends Matt & Angela's house and playing games all night with them. I am looking forward to this, as we're already planning the menu...ribs cooked in Matt's smoker. Well also for the fun and good times-no seriously it's the food.

I can't really think of anything else at the moment, so I'll sign off for now. I wish you all a Merry Christmas, or whatever miscellaneous holiday message applies to you.

I'm back and stuff!

So very, very quickly: I went on a cruise, and now I'm back! Yay! I just got finished editing some of the photos, so hopefully those will be up on Picasa by this weekend. In the meantime, I have just put up the ones from my 24th birthday so check them out. You can find the Picasa page in My Links below.

Hopefully let you know this weekend in detail how it was, but in a word, "fantastic."

TTYL,
Scott