Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts

Friday, May 14, 2010

Excited

I have an unfortunate tendency to tell the truth when asked a direct question. That doesn't mean I lack social tact or anything; it's just that I have trained myself to be as honest as possible. This makes me valuable in the workplace since I can be trusted, but it tends to create socially awkward situations for me. The most recent example I can give you is when people who know about our baby ask me, "So, are you excited?" I have different responses depending on how well I know the person asking the question, but I have never said, "Yes."

From time to time I have found it necessary to qualify my response, particularly to my mother-in-law, who didn't really know what to say when I told her, "No, not at the moment." I went on to explain that while I was not unhappy about the situation, there were too many things for me to take care of between now and September to be excited. I have said Abigail is excited enough for the both of us (anyone who reads her blog can tell).

So today, I found myself with an unusual amount of free time at work, and I had only gotten about 4-5 hours of sleep last night (which, incidentally, is the amount I have gotten every night for about a week). I was somewhat out of it today, and was fortunate that it was a slow day. As the afternoon wore on and most of my work was finished, I found myself lost in thought.

At some point I started thinking about my daughter, and what she will look like. I wondered what it will be like to teach her things, and if I will ever take her to work with me. I imagined conversations with her. I have the feeling  that she will be really smart; she has good genes. I thought about taking her to her grandparents' houses, and maybe even on a long trip up to Colorado. She has a lot of family there.

Something unusual happened. I stopped being able to concentrate on the work I was doing altogether, and was seized with an urgent desire to get up from my desk, go home, and get to work early on the baby's room (that we're painting tomorrow). I stayed for two more hours (and did get more work done), but the peculiar feeling remained. For just a few moments, I managed to think of my daughter as someone who will be part of my life, and forgot about all of the things we will have to do in the next few months (and for the rest of our lives). I can honestly tell you that yes, now I'm excited. I'm still probably not quite on the level Abigail is, but I'm not sure that's possible.

In a few months, I'm going to be a dad. For a long time, my dad was really the only man I associated with the word. Now I have another one (or Abigail does, anyway, and so he's stuck with me). My brother Phil and my godfather Tim are dads (which is still very strange to me), and now my friends Josh and Travis are having kids too (June and September, respectively). Whenever I have a problem, or whenever I'm excited about something, I always want to tell my dad about it. Someday there's going to be someone who needs me in the same way. Maybe I should learn more about cars, sports, or something dad-like so I'm up to the task.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Random Jottings

I've found that I'm pretty good at starting projects. If I opened up my hard drive for you to look at, you would find quite a few poems, several short stories (unfinished), two novels (unfinished), a weight loss tracking chart (I think that lasted a few months and even made it to the blog), and a couple of animation clips from the expensive graphic arts software I bought and have used maybe four times. I also have a book of quotes that I'm very fond of (the title is "Random Jottings"), and I have occasionally kept up with it throught the years. When I think about the number of good quotes I have missed, it makes me sad. This blog is another of those neglected projects. I have great initial bursts of creativity, and then I remember how cool the X Box (actually now it's the PS3) is. I actually tried giving up video games for Lent this year. I made it about 28 days out of 40.

I'm going to be a father this year, and the third biggest fear I have (next to the fear of being into the room while my wife's in labor and most of all my fear of dropping the child) is how long my interest will last in this new project. Am I ready to commit to something full-time for once, or will my daughter have to hear "not right now" for most of her life? We haven't decided on a name for the little one yet, but the thought of being actually responsible for her scares me. I sincerely hope that I treat her with more attention than my pets; if my cats didn't jump in my lap I'd probably forget all about them, and my dog still lives with my parents (I think he's happier there, though).

Growing up sucks. Please don't get the wrong impression; I really am completely happy with the choices I have made, and I look forward to my (our) little Monkey's arrival in September. My problem is more of a lack of direction. Supposedly I'm should be in control of some aspects of my life by now, but to be honest I'm lucky to remember what day of the week it is on a given day.

I know I want the best for my family, and I suppose most parents/spouses do. I had everything figured out before I graduated high school, and literally nothing has gone the way I expected since then, and suddenly almost six years have elapsed. It's kind of like a line in the Ben Folds Five song "Jackson Cannery": "Seconds pass slowly, and years keep flyin' by." I suppose it would be better to enjoy each moment as it comes, but that is much easier said than done right now. Every time Abigail says she wants it to be September, I tell her we'll get there, but to be honest it's hard to follow my own advice. I wish it were Christmas, myself, and maybe by then I'll have everything figured out. Were I a betting man, though, I would put money on "probably not."

In all fairness, maybe most of this is the past few hours listening to jazz and blues talking. Tomorrow is a new day, and maybe everything will make sense then. I'm going to put some nature sounds on and get some much needed sleep now. Take care, people!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Your brain makes time go faster, and experience might make it slow down

Yesterday I heard a segment on NPR (National Public Radio) that piqued my interest, and so I have posted a link to it. You can read a text article (the Homer Simpson "Every Day" video is amusing), or listen to what went out on the radio here:
Why Does Time Fly By As You Get Older?-NPR

What they discuss is why it seems like time passes more quickly as one ages, and it seems like time moved so much more slowly when we were children. The person being interviewed explains that there is a neurological reason for this. They have a more detailed explanation in the article, but the analogy they use is that we "write things down" in more detail in our brains when we experience them for the first time, and so our perception is more vividly remembered. 

If we therefore write things down in great detail on first experience, but less so upon further experience, one might compare Dickens' writing (long, winding paragraphs, since he got paid by the word) with Hemingway's (he was taught to be short and to the point, and it showed in his writing). When you ask a child about their first day of school, they will tell you about everything from the appearance of the school, to all the kids they met, to the teacher, and everything they did (Dickensian). If you ask a teenager about their first day of school, you will most likely get something to the effect of, "School was okay," (Hemingway). It is effectively the same answer; the brain has simply learned to write for the Readers' Digest.

My thoughts on this are as follows: time goes by far too fast as it is, it's true, and on this planet one thing we have in common is that we are all still limited to the same 24 hour day. However, if our brain can "slow down time" when it is processing new information, then why not keep providing it with more? One could try to learn a new language, right now, or start attending classes at your local community college. Go to a new country; there's plenty of them out there, and as a bonus you can volunteer or do missions work (I understand the Haititians could use some help right now).

If renewed perception is indeed the key to slowing down time, maybe people are spending too much time doing the same thing. I have said at least this much in an earlier post: embrace the random in your daily life. Take an alternate route sometimes, go to different grocery stores, maybe actually read a book instead of watching TV, or chuck them both and go to the park. Play hooky from your job, It's okay, really, as long as you have a vacation/sick day to take. I think it would be fun to invent a holiday that only you and a select few know about; and you have to be really "in the know" to know about it. "Talk Like A Pirate Day" probably started like that.

I guess that's pretty much all I have to say on this topic. I still tend to get excited about psychological/neurological issues, but who knows where I'll come from next? My buddy writes a political/baseball blog, my wife writes a baby/nurse blog, and I write an exciting celebration of randomness. That's how I roll.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Reset Button


The reset button is a great invention in gaming. It's the last-ditch, "oh holy crap something bad is happening" moment that saves you from total humiliation at the hands of an overwhelmingly powerful foe...and for most it is likely the 357th time this has happened. If you're cool and remember the NES, it's also one of many ways you try to get your game to work. You pushed the reset button about 30 times in a row (extremely quickly when your mom wasn't in the room to say "When you break that, you're not getting another one!"), and blew on the cartridge, and hoped to play Contra yet again.

Life has no reset buttons in theory, and if they did, you would hope that there was a password system or something to start you about where you wanted. I would rather deal with things now then have to start from birth all over again, even if I had all the knowledge I have now. However, once in a while I believe God gives us the break we're looking for. It could be an "extra life" when you know you shouldn't have survived a car accident or illness, or a "warp pipe" that takes you to a promotion or state in life quickly and unexpectly. It might just be a "shield boost" that gives you extra toughness and courage to get through a rough patch in your life, or perhaps the strength to help someone else with theirs (if you're the person getting help, then it would be an "assist" power up). 

In my case, it seems like after just over six years of waiting, God has given me a reset button. I will explain (briefly) what I mean. I had a grand mal seizure in December 2003, just after school let out for the semester. My entire brain was affected, but in different ways. In the short term I had some memory loss and disorientation that was normal, and I wasn't allowed to drive for 3 months (which was interesting, since that's when I started my relationship with Abigail). 

The real problem has been the effects on my cognitive skills. People that knew me well before the seizure will understand this (I hope) better, and unfortunately that doesn't include my wife. I have never at any time since then really felt like myself. That doesn't mean I have been unhappy, but because my intelligence and creativity are such defining characteristics of my sense of self, I knew I would not be happy until I was able to be at my full potential.

I am on a new medication now (Keppra) that works in a different part of my brain; the part that has sustained some long-term damage. I was sick for the first couple of weeks, and Matt's wife Angela who works with me has been (to risk a great understatement) a godsend in carpooling with me and even taking me to the doctor as needed. In the past few days, I have really started to feel less sick, and on the heels of that, I have started to notice a change in my thought patterns. It is hard to describe, save to say it's like sitting in the driver's seat of your car, and realizing that someone snuck into your garage and tuned it up overnight. Nothing was upgraded per se, but everything just...feels better.   

In anticipation that this might happen, and in part to help, I started a creative writing class this semester. I am now finished with the second week and it is going very well so far. I wrote a lipographic poem in which I rewrote "Little Miss Muffet" but removed "I" and "U." The satisfaction I felt in that silly little poem might sound strange to you so I won't go too much into it, but there was something so tremendously satisfying in finally writing something after all these years.

My apologies for the length of this post. It is my hope, though, that these will be a more regular thing and thus not necessarily as long each time. Hope you like the new layout!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

24

I love video games. Let's just get that out of the way right now in case you're reading this blog for the first time and you don't know me personally. I am an avid gamer and have been since my brother Phil first introduced me to the NES in the really early 90's. At least those are my first gaming memories; the first games I remember are sports games (Tecmo Bowl and Mike Tyson's Punch Out!), which is a little funny since I don't play those sort of games too much now.

Video games are fun, of course, and that is the main reason I play them in my adult life, but there are other reasons. They are diverting, which is nice when I am stressed and need to think about something other than work or interpersonal drama for a while. In the game world, if I lose a battle I have the opportunity to play it over again as many times as I need to until I progress, but of course in the real world I have to be able to have the right answer and response to every situation right away. Although I am frustrated by having to do something over while I am absorbed in the game, sometimes the repetition is good to take my mind off of things.

My favorite type of game would have to be the Role Playing Game (RPG) genre, like Final Fantasy. The typical formula has the protagonist gradually learn of their part in a larger destiny and they usually lead the fight against a great threat or evil against the world/universe. At the beginning of many of these games a lot of these protagonists are lost, like they are waiting for something. I think a lot of us feel like that sometimes; I know I do.

I turned 24 last Thursday, which in itself is not particularly impressive, I know. However, I have really had the chance to think about my life thus far and tried to ask myself if I would have done anything differently. One of my favorite exercises as a writer in coming up with plot points is looking at alternate universes from my own life and following them, like if I'd never been born or if I'd moved to Oregon instead of Mesa.

Most people make New Years' resolutions, but I decided I would make a few birthday resolutions. I want to do a few things better at 24 that I was dissatisfied with at 23.
1) I want to be a lot better about staying in touch with people.
2) I need to do more writing (including this blog).
3) I should work harder on my schoolwork. It will only get more intense soon and
I know that I can't afford to waste any time.
4) I have to take better care of myself by going to the gym and eating better.
5) I want to start learning the guitar again.
These are the things that nag at me and I'm always thinking "I need to work on that." I want to be better in all my relationships and be generally happier. I want to learn some new things, and eventually (I know it won't happen in the next year) get my degree. It doesn't necessarily matter that I don't yet know what specifically I want it for; I have a good feeling that I will find out along the way.

I do know that I am happy right now (although I am definitely in need of the vacation we're about to take), and Abigail and I have made a great life together in the past three years. I want to improve some things in myself just as Abigail and I want to change things in our life together (having a baby, for instance). One of the things I have thought about is that it's okay to be unsatisfied and still happy; they're not mutually exclusive. Constantly wanting to improve your life and going after something more is a very good thing, but only if you are able to be happy with what you have.

Abigail is in the habit of putting thematic songs in her blogs, so I will put one here that's been on my mind. We won a CD while we were at Family Camp, Third Day's "Revelation," and the very first track is called "This Is Who I Am."

I'm a son of a good man
I'm the child of an angel
I'm the brother of a wild one
And I'm looking for direction
I'm the lover of a beauty
I'm the father of blessings
I'm a singer of a love song
But is that all I'm good for

Chorus
This is who I am
This is who I am
So take me and make me something so much more
This is who I am
This is who I am
So change me and make me someone better than before

I'm a saint and a sinner
I'm a lover and a fighter
I'm a true believer, with great desire
I'm a preacher of grace, prophet of love, teacher of truth
I've fallen down so many times
But here I stand in front of you

Chorus

Take me as I am
But please don't leave me that way
'Cause I know that you can make me better than I am today

Chorus

I believe God has a plan for me, and if it's to be a great, famous writer or psychologist then that's awesome. If I'm just supposed to be a good man, and somehow that helps someone, then I'm okay with that too. That will be hard enough for anyone to do anyway. :-)

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Whoa now, slow down there horsey!

I think one of the reasons people get so stressed is because of the deadlines we set for ourselves, whether consciously or unconsciously. We set timetables and routines on our lives to give us structures and meanings. These help us get out of bed every day and get us places on time; they give us the persona of a reliable human being.

The problem is that in a very short time all of us can become locked into and even dependent on these deadlines and structures we put on our lives. Example: getting up at exactly the same time every day to shower, shave, eat something quick, get in the car and take the exact same route to work listening to the same radio station. Then going to work where you most likely do essentially the same thing each day to end at approximately the same time to go back home the same way (still listening to the same station). In this scenario, you might change from your work clothes (or at least change the shirt), but then you go right to your computer. If it's a laptop, you bring it near the TV and you blog/Facebook before eating dinner; married or not. You probably eat, then you check the Internet stuff again before going to bed. You do it all again the same day.

In this scenario, I don't say you necessarily meaning "you" the reader, but it definitely doesn't apply to me. If you look at my posting dates you can tell I rarely go on here, although I really should do it a tad more than I have been. My wife is an avid internet poster, on the other hand, and you can always tell what's going on with us through her. Her habits are pretty standard, but I start to get stuck in a rut if everything gets to be routine like that.

I compulsively change my habits to avoid that sort of rut. I randomly change the time on my alarm (although I make sure I still get to work on time), and sometimes hit snooze. Sometimes I shower at night, sometimes in the morning. Although I usually go the same way to work in the morning (it works, and getting there on time is important), I generally have about 4-5 different routes home to choose from. I usually listen to sports talk radio, but sometimes I don't. Sometimes I drive in silence; or I listen to something else. There are a few things I do in the same order each day at work, but I usually do things differently each day. I don't like my job very much, so if I can at least mix things up it makes it a little more bearable.

It sounds weird and crazy, but consider how much control you really have over your life. Wouldn't it be nice to break out of the routine you've put yourself in and just find a new way to do what you're already doing? It may not even be the most efficient way, but it gives you the opportunity to be creative in a way you are not often able. Something to think about.

So anyway, all that just gushed out of me; the title of this is more related to another thought altogether. A lot is happening this year, and it's almost July already! Sheesh! In this half of the year, Abigail's already finished nursing school and taken her boards, both Matt & Angela and Abigail and I have bought houses, my mom is choosing another career, my dad has changed to another department, two of my brothers got laid off, my older sister bought and sold a house (moved to another part of CO), my little sis is now a senior in high school, Travis is leaving next month for the Army, my dog moved in with us, and I traded in the PSP!

That is the first six months in a very small nutshell, but it's been an interesting ride. I just want a breather week...can I just take a week off to play the X box and not have anything interesting happen? I really miss my X box, and the halcyon days of youth.